TheCalmDev (Dev J Haldar)

ravings, rantings and ramblings

Movie Review: Fast Five

It took me one day to decide whether this film deserved a review. Seems that it has. And with good reason.

For one, it was perfect timing. I saw an old Arnold Schwarzenegger caper called End of Days earlier in the day; all the while wondering how I managed to like the film back when it released. And then in the evening, my friend and I decided to watch Fast Five. Honestly, I cannot decide if the afternoon was painful or the evening gruelling.

I had successfully managed to avoid the last four films of the franchise. Not a fan of Vin Diesel. Dont like cars races that don’t race my heart like when Bond would careen his car in South of France. Dont like films where the idea is to pay to watch a pimped car race. A drive on the Dubai-Al Ain highway is anyway better.

Just a few reasons on why the film was as interesting like a bruised banana:

Vin Diesel is soon going to attain ‘I am so cocky I make a rooster look like a chicken’ nirvana! And who speaks in a constipated husky baritone that sounds like he was best friends with laryngitis? And hey! What was that? Vin Diesel tried hard to squeeze some tears in a scene and all he seemed to squeeze was his pectoralis major. Nice try!

I do not like the idea of procuring cars like tetra packs from my local hyper market. So the dialogue, “Let’s get some cars” was very violating!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was another huge disappointment. Dwayne Johnson is the reason I went to see the film. And he definitely ‘layeth the sloppiest smack down‘. Why would the good-looking Samoan get make up that makes him look like a cross between WWE Superstars Goldberg and The Anvil (anybody remember him?) The Brahma Bull sure gave a bull-crappy performance. Sure the showdown between him and Diesel was good but not good enough. And why would a strict, smart-talking, candy-a** whuppin’ cop suddenly tag team with the same bunch he was persecuting?

The climax, anti in my case, was when Diesel and Paul Walker decided to tug a gargantuan steel vault all across Rio and use it as a giant sling hammer to bash police cars, bank buildings, street lamps and anything else that came in their way! 

Note to director – if you want to destroy all that comes in the way of your fast and furious cars, try watching 2012.

Another note to director – rehashing Oceans Eleven, Twelve or Thirteen with the current cast is not a wise idea.

Final note to director – At least in Fair Game, Cindy Crawford was all fair with her fans. Please don’t do this again.

End of Days anyone?

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